Live started out as you expect of a child: innocent and open of heart. I was born and raised in a small town in The Netherlands. Nice and quiet, where rarely things happened.

From my earliest memories, I was extremely aware of what happened around me. Always observing and being curious what was in the shed, the closed cupboards, hoping for some treasure or adventure to reveal itself. I could entertain myself for hours, staring into the distance, fantasizing about the dreams of the previous night or what story would fit the music I was hearing through the speakers.

Intuitive or being (energy) sensitive weren’t really part of my family’s vocabulary. Talking about dreams or feeling shifts in the atmosphere or the energies in rooms where someone previously had been crying or had a heated argument, wasn’t something we mentioned. And if you did, people got this weird worrying look on their face and it got ignored.

Sadly, my childlike innocence didn’t last long and turned more and more into fear the older I became.

Recurring trauma, living with constant fear and anxiety, and the pressure to be ‘normal’ followed me well into my teenage years. I lost parts of myself, disconnected and dissociated from others and myself. I fully believed I was not meant to be in this world and never should have been.

In the years that followed there was one thing that helped me through childhood to puberty and into adulthood. And that was the commitment to help at least one person. If I would change someone’s life for the better my existence would have been worth it. It became my life line, my mission.

And it worked very well for some time. I went to the school of Social Work, after the propaedeutic year I went on to do Psychology. And later on, changed my direction to Coaching (NLP Coaching, High Performance Coaching, Presentation Coaching, Career Coaching, Family & Organization Coaching, Group Coaching).

During those years, it was in my early twenties I first started to feel there was something missing, a connection. From the outside, I seemed caring but from the inside I felt cold, lonely and lost. I was living my life, or better yet existing (a.k.a surviving). I had guidance and answers for many, but I never seemed to have them for myself. Though, realizing that there was something missing helped me ask the hard questions. Questions as What is love? How does it feel? How do you know you love? How does it feel to be loved? Books and internet couldn’t fully explain it to me so I started to ask my friends how they experienced love.

It wasn’t until I took in a beautiful red monster of a cat, named Murphy (and a year of hard work to get attached to him), I really understood and felt what love was. He taught me unconditional love and to open my heart. Now, encouraged with the knowing what love was I kept doing the self-work, treating my own OCD and trauma triggers.

And overtime the fear in me seemed to get less. But when the fear became less, other things became more. I felt more emotional, at that time I was not a big fan of feelings. Crying was something I rarely did. Everything around me felt harsher. I felt more pain and anger in memories and in the words of people, I was more susceptible to energies and dreams. Which resulted in biting down into my work. With everything that was going on, the walls I build around myself for protection and survival started to crack.

Those walls came crashing down in early 2015 when my need for helping others, to protect, to care for, to lead failed (from my perspective). It broke something within me and my whole sense of self came crashing down.

And it was…

… the best thing that could have happened, to find my way back to myself.
My true self.

The year that followed was difficult, heartbreaking and intense. The first healthy decision I made was quitting my job and taking the time to rest. I started to say no, instead of always yes. Due to that, friendships and family dynamics changed. Loneliness set in even more and anger followed me everywhere I went. And then, a co-worker I previously worked with, and now one of my best friends, said the magic words.

She said she loved me and that she was so grateful for me in her life. That she could not imagine being where she was now if she hadn’t met me. According to her, I changed her life for the better. I remember asking her all these questions. I couldn’t fully understand that I had made an impact in her life. And when she laughed, cried and explained. The understanding set in and I felt shocked…

My life line, my mission, my promise I held on to for so long was completed.
And I realized, I had just received my own permission to stop living.

That spiraled into some dark thinking and realizing I’d still been purely existing (surviving) instead of living. I’d have kept myself hidden for so long, who was I? Why did I exist? What was I meant to do? Was I a mistake? And what is it that I’m really feeling? While asking all those questions I knew I had to make a decision first; stay or go.

On an ordinary day, after 25 years of merely existing I got out of my own way and reminded myself I deserved more. And that I had to give life a fair chance to actually fully experience it. So, I decided to stay and be fully in the here and now. I knew I had to change my thinking, build a better foundation. And that the change had to start with me. I started to acknowledge and work on my anger, seeing my pain, learned the practice of forgiveness and gratitude towards others and myself. I faced fears I didn’t know I had them. I started to explore my heart through the layers I build around it. Healing of my heart, mind and soul had to start with me.

I was determined to change; to heal, to build a better and stronger foundation and uncover my true badass self.

I started to volunteer at a small company to strengthening myself and to get a sense of a routine back in my life. The idea of having to start over felt scary, yet exciting. Especially after realizing I had more skills and experience that I thought I had. Finally, my perception started to shift from limited beliefs to infinite possibilities.

I learned I needed my freedom that could not be found while working in a big corporate environment. So, what was it again I always wanted to do when I was younger? 

10-year old me: I want my own store, be my own boss.
20-year old me: I want to have my own practice as a psychologist.

As a kid I already wished having the freedom and independence of my own store or business. And now, I want to serve others too. Coaching is what I’m good at and find fulfilling. I had all the certifications, why not start my own coaching business?

But what type of coaching? I made a list, put everything together from skills, experiences, education, hobbies, volunteer work to interests, wishes and desires. I wrote everything down, from what felt warm, cold to feelings that I wanted to experience in my future career. As often, the answer was right there all along. I had helped small businesses for years as a hobby in coaching, social media, marketing, etc. I had the skills, the tools and the heart for it.

So, in 2017, I started my first company as a business coach for out-of-the-box entrepreneurs.

Not even 2-years later I changed from a regular business coach to a business coach for spiritual entrepreneurs. Realizing that these were my people I wanted to work with most. I loved seeing the passion and the light they exuded when they spoke about their work and dreams. Coaching them felt like a privilege.

But, the funny thing was that even though I loved meeting all these wonderful people and loved doing the work, there was always something gnawing at me.

Telling me, I should be on the opposite side of the table.

With that feeling gnawing at me, telling me to be on the other side of the table, I started to see another pattern in my life. Though I never lost my interest and curiosity in the spiritual world, I always seemed to doubt and rationalize my own experiences. They always seemed to come in waves and never for long periods of time, except for during my breakdown.

I dove back into the books, searched the internet, followed workshops and started to meet with people to talk about experiences, dreams and more. They all confirmed, that I was quite sane. Relieve washed over me because I always had this little voice within telling me I was crazy, not normal.

By finding the support I needed, I started to feel more understood and less alone. I began feeling stronger, my heart started to heal. And dreams of having my own spiritual practice began to form.

Even though, I couldn’t see the how or when, I kept the doors open.

on its way

on its way